


The Pillow Book of Mitarashi Anko

by JigokuDayu



Category: Naruto
Genre: Aftercare, Age Difference, Anal Sex, Angst, BDSM, Begging, Biting, Blow Jobs, Cock Slapping, Crying, Cunnilingus, Diary/Journal, Dominance, F/M, Facials, Flashbacks, Forbidden Love, Love, Maledom/Femsub, Masturbation, Multiple Sex Positions, Pearl Necklace, Possessive Behavior, Sex Toys, Sexual Fantasy, Spooning, Submissive Character, Teacher-Student Relationship, Titfuck/ Paizuri, Tongues, Vaginal Fingering, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2018-12-25 06:25:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12030051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JigokuDayu/pseuds/JigokuDayu
Summary: This is Anko's very private diary, full of her true feelings and inner torment, as well as reflections on her times with Orochimaru. Nothing is sacred, but one person. OroAnko





	1. Hateful Things

Since this is my private book, it doesn't matter if I'm not nice. I can say whatever I feel like. I won't bother being polite. I just need to get things out of my system. As such, I'm going to write what I truly think about people, none of whom I'd dare tell.

Kurenai- She's so sweet and beautiful and talented. She makes me sick with envy.

Asuma- He's definitely improved, I have to at least give him credit for that. He used to be so hot-headed and smug. It was really irritating.

Kakashi- A hypocrite with no respect for others. Horribly rude!

Gai- He's so goofy-looking! I have to bite my tongue not to laugh at him.

Ibiki- Treats me like a child. I hate it!

Genma- Bossy as hell. Always telling everyone what to do.

Hayate- All talk, no action till the last possible second. I'm sure that's how he got himself killed. Poor son of a bitch.

Aoba- How can anyone be that stupid? I'm surprised he hasn't drowned in the rain.

Raido- Pretty worthless. Never does much of anything.

Kotetsu- He and his buddy run their mouths about things they don't understand. Sometimes, I just want to choke the life out of them.

Izumo- See above. Just because there are two of them, it doesn't mean I have to write it twice.

Ebisu- I do believe that man has a rod up his arse.

Iruka- Why is he so nice? Doesn't he realise he looks like a grinning idiot?

Shizune- A meddlesome busybody.

Jiraiya- What a sicko! He'd shave a cat just to see it naked.

Third Hokage- As nice as he was, he always looked at me with suspicion. I think he could see right through me.

Fourth Hokage- Thinking about him depresses me.

Fifth Hokage- Lazy. Very lazy. That office should require much more discipline.

Orochimaru- I've never loved anyone else. I will never love anyone else. My heart remains his entirely.

*****

I can't stomach the idea of another man touching me. How could they ever compare to living perfection? They'd only mar the memories I have of our times together. His shadow is where I remain and I don't want anyone else invading that sanctuary.

Most everyone in the Leaf goes out of their way to be nice to me, but I keep on resenting them. That's the kind of nasty, spiteful person I am. I know they're good people, but I look at them like another species.

I think they are a different species from me. They're humans, but I am a serpent. As many times as I shed my skin, I'm still a serpent underneath. He's the same. We all belong with our own kind, but snakes tend to cannibalise each other. To be blunt, it can never be. No happy endings here.

It rips me apart to admit that. I'm so selfish! I'm just as bad as anyone else. I'm an immature, lying virago. How do they all put up with me?  
I'm a hateful, little thing. Too hateful to be truly good, but not hateful enough to be _his_. Or is that a delusion? Maybe I am hateful enough. Now.

I can accept that he's this cruel monster. Honestly, it doesn't change how I feel about him. The problem is with me being like that. I don't want to be evil. If I were with him still, could I help being corrupted?

Sometimes I wish he would destroy this village. Then I could go to him. If there were nothing left here, I'd be free to belong to him.  
It's terrible to think these things. This village is my home and these people are my friends. Yet I can't help but secretly despise them for coming in between Orochimaru and myself. If only I could completely sever my ties to the village. I would go to him. God, I would run straight into his arms.

Would he take me back? Would he still love me? Did he ever love me? If I knew for certain that he loves me and wants me to be with him, I would go to him this very instant and never look back.

I remember when I fell in love with him. I mean, I always _loved_ him, but there was that night when I looked at him and it was no longer a childhood fancy. I was about eleven, I think. Maybe ten.

He had just cleared a battlefield of enemies and I had his back. When they were all finally eliminated, he stood several feet in front of me, beside one of his man-sized snakes. His hair was unctuous with sweat and blood as it flapped about in the breeze. Putting his blades back in their scabbards, he sighed his relief. The moonlight made his kimono shimmer and his skin glow. He looked over his shoulder at me -- that's when it happened. 

At that instant, everything changed. My body awakened. I was no longer larval, but nor was I pupal. At least, not completely. I was a ripe woman driven by want, need, hunger for this man; my sensei. It wasn't merely lust. It was also the longing to be closer to him and to please him every waking hour of my existence. Gone were the silly dreams of marrying him when I grew up. Instead, I wanted to be possessed by him as a slave to his desires. Those eyes of his had conquered me and bound me to him.

*****

A few nights ago, I was out at Shushuya with Kurenai and Asuma and a few other friends. Izumo and Kotetsu were there, too. I wouldn't say I'm close to them, but I've known them for a long time. They're the same age as me and all. Anyway, a few of them started talking about Orochimaru. Hearing the name caused my ears to prick up, but I managed not to turn my head.

It was a slightly large group and had splintered, so I wasn't initially part of that conversation. I was listening to Kurenai and Asuma talk about their students, but managed to catch most of what those chunin were saying, even before they dragged me into it. And I'd been having such a nice evening up until then. Go figure.

Kotetsu was the first to offer up an opinion in his oddly breezy voice. "That guy always gave me the creeps. The way he would look at people and lick his lips with that freaky tongue."

"People? You mean young boys," Izumo replied. As my head was down, I don't think he noticed me roll my eyes.

"No, I mean boys and girls. He definitely likes both. Everyone knows he had a thing with the Fifth Hokage back when they were still wet behind the ears." Even if Kotetsu wasn't technically wrong here, he still had no business saying it. "But yeah, he prefers them young. God knows what he's doing to that Uchiha boy as we speak."

I was already cringing at this point. Idiots and their stupid assumptions. Refraining from looking down the table at them was laborious. My jaw muscles cramped up from clenching my teeth so hard.

Aoba started to interject. "No, don't be silly. Even someone as evil as Orochimaru wouldn't actually do something like that. Besides, I can't picture him being sexual at all." But for the last part, that's the most intelligent thing Aoba's ever said.

"Oh, no, I'm sure he does it. With boys and girls. He's even worse than Jiraiya-sama, and you know how much of a pervert that guy is!" Kotetsu was just angling for a punch in the nose with all this crap coming out of his mouth.

"Anko was his apprentice. Let's ask her," Izumo suggested. He raised his voice to get my attention, and by doing so, everyone else's attention. "Hey, Anko! When Orochimaru was your sensei, did he ever, you know, try anything?"

"Excuse me?" I asked, feigning shock as I looked up from my tea. How pleasant it is to be asked embarrassing, personal questions in a public place. 

"Did he ever try to touch you?" Mercifully, Izumo had lowered his tone back down. I'm sure it was due to his own embarrassment at such words, rather than mine. "You know what I mean? Did he ever do anything sexual to you?"

As he asked me that, all the images flashed through my mind. Every kiss, every naked caress, every time Orochimaru made love to me came flooding back. My cheeks burned. It was the absolute worst situation for me to end up hot and bothered during.

"Why don't you shut your filthy mouth, you bastard!" I snapped. Hopefully, the angered reaction was enough to cover up any outward signs of my arousal.

He went on, trying to sound polite, but still looking for an answer. "Relax, Anko-san. No one's accusing you of doing something wrong. I mean, if he forced himself on you, you're the victim."

Before I could stop myself, I rose from my seat and my hands balled into fists. "You don't know him! You don't know anything, so stop pretending to understand! You're sick to even suggest that!" 

Kotetsu let out a derisive laugh. "You're awfully defensive for someone who claims nothing happened. Pretty suspicious, if you ask me."

I finally exploded. My right hand uncurled and went flying. It landed across Kotetsu's face with a loud slap.

"What was that for? Sheesh, Anko! You've really lost it. Get a grip!" He glared at me as he rubbed the handprint on his cheek.

"Hmph! Just be glad he isn't here catch your slander. He'd cut you open," I spat. After that, I promptly stormed out. I just could not take it any longer. I wanted to go home.

Kurenai followed and tried to get me to come back, promising to make them apologise. I told her not to bother, that I needed some time alone. I said I'd see her around and took my leave. She still seemed worried, but didn't press the issue further.

Even if it is technically true, he never made me do anything I didn't want and enjoy. What we had was special. It was love! To me, at least. It's beyond their comprehension, that I can say. The secret closeness Orochimaru and I shared was something so sublime, those dimwits can only dream of experiencing a passion like that. And for all their attempts at discreet, lovey-dovey fluff, Kurenai and Asuma can't even begin to come close to us. I was his and he let me in.

And I don't buy those insinuations about that Uchiha Sasuke kid. They don't know Orochimaru the way I do. There were things he told me -- things he never told anyone else. I'm sure of it! Maybe Orochimaru wishes me to be jealous of Uchiha, but that doesn't mean there is anything between them. He could never want someone as disrespectful as that child. Orochimaru is only aroused by those who worship him. I know what that man likes and it's not arrogant brats.

Orochimaru told me I was precious to him. He said he needed me to make him stronger. I was to help him become immortal. Then I would remain beside him for eternity. He would give me eternity! Forever his, I would never have to mourn him. I would never be alone again. And yet, I am. And it's my own fault. I did this to him. I let go of the ultimate being, my living god. What right have I? If I weren't such a coward, I would find him and prostrate myself naked before him. Maybe he would pity me enough to let me kiss his feet. 

Damn it! Why does it have to be this way? Why must I be haunted by memories of what I have lost? If he were here or if I were with him -- No, I've got to stop torturing myself with these hopeless dreams!

 

Sensei, you may be evil, but you were tender with me in private. I felt loved by you, even if you never used those exact words. And you have possession of me, still. For the life of me, I can't get myself to fall out of love with you.


	2. Things That Give an Unclean Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anko gets creeped out by Kakashi, then entertains herself during a D/s fantasy about Orochimaru.

What a mess this day has been! At this rate, I'm going to have to stop going out in public.

I was sitting in the dango shoppe, having a good meal, when I was interrupted.

"Mind if I have this seat?" It was Kakashi. His stupid book was open in his hand.

"Knock yourself out," I replied after swallowing the food in my mouth.

He sat down next to me and made idle chit-chat. I hate small talk. As if I could care what the weather was like or how many missions the Hokage wanted him to take on.

After a few minutes, he took a deep breath, which caught my attention. "May I ask you something?" Kakashi looked up from his book and at me.

"Go ahead." A sense of dread took over me. Whatever was on his mind, it couldn't possibly be good. I was praying it wasn't going to be a continuation of Izumo and Kotetsu's inappropriate line of questioning from that one night.

"What do you think of me? What's your opinion?" It's disconcerting to be asked this by Kakashi. His voice and mannerisms smack of not caring about much of anything, and this time was no different. He's constantly so oblivious to the world around him, I was honestly taken aback that he was even bothering to engage me in conversation in the first place. Of the few times he's spoken to me previously, it was just to be rude and arrogant.

Circumspect, I raised my eyebrows. "Honestly?"

"Sure," he said. His mask moved in a way which I assume was from a smile. If he did care one way or the other, he was in for it.

I took a deep breath before I began. "I don't exactly like you. No offence or anything, but I think you're a pompous arse who thinks the rules don't apply to him."

"You think I disregard the rules? How so?" With only the one eye visible, it's always tough to gauge what little emotion he does show. He appeared sleepy, if anything, but my guess is he was a little confused.

"You're always reading that smut. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with smut, but I don't think you should be reading it on the job. And especially not in front of your students. And you always show up late. For everything." I pictured Orochimaru then. He would never do any of the ridiculous things Kakashi does. Why weren't more men like him? Of course, that's asking a lot of the lowly maggots who infest this planet. They can't all be gods.

He shrugged his shoulders. "My books have never really distracted me. I can multi-task with ease. As for them being inappropriate, it's not like I let anyone read over my shoulder." Kakashi then put the book away. (About damn time!) He looked down at his hands. "My chronic tardiness - well, I have my reasons for that. Aren't we all allowed some faults?"

"Hey, I know I act like a kid and I like sweets too much, but I take my job seriously and I devote all my attention to it." I punctuated this with a swig of azuki soup.

"My life has been difficult. I have so many regrets and have had even more losses," he sighed.

"You think my life has been easier? I've lost everything that was dear to me. Yet I'm still gung ho about getting things done and I don't show up late all the time." Orochimaru's eyes swam through my brain. His face took shape around them, making me feel slightly dizzy.

"Is it so wrong of me to spend as much time as I can grieving my fallen comrades?" He sounded a bit upset, but his expression remained the same.

I groaned under my breath. "If mourning over the past is interfering so much with being a ninja, maybe you should try finding another job. We have to live in the present. Shinobi cannot afford to wallow in memories of the past, no matter how much we might like to." I could swear that the ghostly apparition of Orochimaru's hand was reaching into my chest at that moment and squeezing my heart like a vise.

His one dark eye squinted at me. "What are you saying, Anko? That my nindo is wrong because it's different from yours?"

"Look, don't you think I'd like to break the rules? I could abandon the village, be an S-Rank criminal, and do whatever the hell I feel like. Yet I don't. I follow the rules and do what I'm supposed to. I maintain my honour even though it has cost me the one thing left in the world that matters to me." My eyelids sank shut. The honour I get from this village means less and less to me with each passing day.

"If you're talking about Oro-"

"Don't!" I choked out, grasping the table till my knuckles began to whiten. "Don't even speak his name..." My eyes became misty. A sob almost escaped my throat, but I forced it back down.

"So we're both miserable, flawed people. It doesn't have to be a big deal. We don't have to let it get to us." There he was, back to his nonchalant self again. "Maybe some night we could go out for dinner and be miserable together? We might end up a little less miserable. And who knows, I might even start to grow on you."

Ay, shit! Why did Kakashi have to try to pick me up? It made me so incredibly uncomfortable. Like trying to choke down someone's awful cooking without dry-heaving. In fact, I felt like I could dry-heave right there.

Having lost my appetite, I pushed my plate away. I turned around in my seat and leaned my back against the table. "Ah, I don't think that's such a good idea. We should try to keep our relationship professional. It's less messy all around."

Kakashi looked off to the side. "It doesn't necessarily have to interfere with our work. Look at Asuma and Kurenai. They manage to get things done in their public and private lives."

I folded my arms across my chest. "Well, I'm not Kurenai."

"No. I know that. And I've been told I'm actually much better looking than Asuma." Now his expression did visibly change. He was clearly grinning as he closed his eyes tightly and his cheeks became rounder.

"Er, good for you." If he's so handsome, why does he always cover up his face? "I'm sure there are plenty of other women who would jump at the chance to go out with you. As for me, you're not my type. Neither is Asuma, for the record."

"Are you saying you don't like men in general?" he asked. Something about his tone seemed strangely hopeful. Maybe he saw the possibility as less of a blow to his ego or perhaps he was trying to imagine the scenario, in which case he could keep dreaming.

"No, I'm not a lesbian!" I snapped. "Why do men always jump to that conclusion? There's a type of man I like and it's not your type or Asuma's. That's just the way I am."

"Okay, sorry... No hard feelings." He got his book out again and resumed reading. "But if you ever change your mind..."

"I won't," I muttered. Reaching into my coat pocket, I pulled out some money and left it on the table for the cook. For the second time in a week, I was leaving a restaurant in a huff. At least this time I hadn't hit anyone.

I was able to get to a back alley before it all caught up with me. The thought of Kakashi touching me was infuriating. It made me feel so dirty. Within seconds, vomit started spewing from my mouth. A cold sweat came over me and my eyes became watery. I shuddered as the residue of bile stung my lips.

Why did he have to ask me out? I hate when blokes try to chat me up. It always makes me sick. Well, I guess if Gai tried to chat me up, I'd be too busy laughing my arse off to get queasy. I doubt that poor man's ever been laid! He's probably even dorkier when he's trying to act sexy, if that's possible. Just the thought of it is hilarious!

Kakashi shouldn't have done that. It was so wrong. But I suppose I can't blame him. He has no idea what's going on in my head. He might suspect I am still pining for Orochimaru after our talk, but he couldn't possibly guess the extent of it. He probably thinks, like Kotetsu does, that Orochimaru molested me when I was a child, or that I simply fancied him and have never gotten over his defecting from Konoha. The truth is somewhere in between and no one knows but me.

After I settled down and wiped my mouth, I headed for my flat. During the walk home, I did my best to push Kakashi from my mind and replace him with Orochimaru. He is the one I belong to. Thoughts of him began to fill my head. What would he say to me right then? What would he do?

I pictured his reaction to the evening's events. He was laughing at Kakashi as he wrapped his arms possessively around me. His tongue emerged from his mouth and was licking my face. By the time I unlocked my front door, my mood had changed dramatically.

As much as I was disgusted by the idea of Kakashi touching me, daydreaming about Orochimaru touching me made my flesh feel hot. I began shedding my clothes as I made my way to my bed, not bothering to turn on the lights. Flinging myself naked upon the mattress, I prepared myself for what I was about to do.

I wanted him, craved him. My eyes were battling to stay open as I tried to recall what his mouth tasted like and how his hair felt brushing against me. My breathing was getting heavier.

Remembering the sorts of things Orochimaru would do to me in bed makes every other man pale in comparison. He could use his tongue in ways no one could imagine. He'd usually get me off four or five times before he'd let me sleep. And then the other things he'd do if the mood suited him... Things Jiraiya could never dream of writing in his foolish books. I've not read more than a few pages of one, but it was enough to convince me that the men who are into it are mere amateurs.

Once more, I conjured my sensei up in my imagination. His eyes hadn't left my mind. Orochimaru's form began to take shape in the darkness of my room. A white yukata just barely clinging to his equally white flesh was accentuated by his beautiful hair. God, he looked so good.

This vision wasn't nearly enough for me. I wanted more, and there would be more. I willed him to be in my room, to come closer, to take me. When I opened my eyes, I convinced myself that I was looking right at him.

Orochimaru was there with me, touching me. "We should make Kakashi watch," he purred. "Let him see what it takes to fuck you. He could never live up to me." That turned me on even more. I certainly have no desire to be watched by that git while having sex, but the idea was hot. Orochimaru has, without a doubt, ruined me for all other men. And making Kakashi jealous would be sweet. He would see how inadequate he is!

My hands were his hands moving all over me. I pinched and twisted my left nipple and reached for my clit with my right hand as I thought about him more. His breath was hot against my neck. I knew he wasn't truly there, but it felt almost real. My imagination ran wild, filling my ears with his voice.

His body was next to mine, pressed against my bare skin. "He couldn't possibly hope to get you off the way I do." He bit down on my taut nipple as I sunk my fingernails into it to mimic the sensation.

I reached into the secret compartment in my headboard and pulled out my best vibrator. I much prefer a vibrator or any good sex toy to some filthy worm like Kakashi. I mean, I'm not the kind of girl who keeps an arsenal of huge dildos. I just have a drawer of assorted toys to assist me when I'm fantasising about Orochimaru. They don't completely alleviate my loneliness, but they get me through the night and save my fingers from cramping.

With my mind's voice, I spoke to him. "Please don't stop! Please do it!"

He pulled back and smirked. "Do what, my dear?"

"Fuck me! Please, I need it!" I was quivering at the idea of him teasing me like that, which was something he delighted in doing.

"Hmm... Since you've been such a good girl and asked nicely, I suppose I shall." That honeyed voice of his dripped all around me. He kissed my mouth deeply and then my neck.

That kiss felt so real, it made me euphoric. "I love you... I love you, Orochimaru-sama!" I wanted to scream this, but couldn't.

"Tell me I'm your master," he ordered me in his sweet whisper.

"You're my master! You're the only one I truly serve." My lips formed the words, but my voice remained silent.

He forced me further into the mattress by my shoulders as he lifted himself up slightly. "No one else can have you. You're my property. I own you, my dear." Orochimaru looked into my eyes before lowering his head down to my pelvis.

In my imagination, the vibrator became Orochimaru's tongue, swirling about my clit. Then I pretended he was fucking me, pounding his hips into mine. I soon had a very small orgasm that only lasted about two seconds. It didn't satiate me at all, so I was determined to keep going until I had one that really made me shatter with ecstasy. It's quite difficult to achieve a great climax after a minor one, but I am seldom deterred from trying.

My reverie switched to him running his tongue along my body. He began licking my stomach and working his way up to my breasts. His vast tongue slithered around them, encircling them and flicking my nipples with the tip repeatedly. I could hear him laugh wickedly as I gasped and trembled.

A moment later, he straddled my chest and started fucking my tits. I pushed them together, crushing my nipples against each other with one hand, as if his cock were actually between them. Orochimaru was swearing and thrusting savagely into my cleavage as I massaged my clit rougher with the vibrator. We were both panting hard. "Ay, fuck!" he hissed, coming all over my chest. It spilt out in beautiful strands of slimy pearls.

I still hadn't come again, so I continued. Now I envisioned him slapping my face with his cock. He gave another sinful laugh. "I know you love it, Anko-chan. You love all the filthy things I do to you. You're my insatiable, depraved tart."

And yes, I do love it. I want him to degrade me like that. I know I shouldn't and it's supposed to be gross and even insulting, but it turns me on like mad. Just thinking about it makes me melt. I don't know why the idea of being slapped in the face with his cock gets me so hot, yet it does and I really want him to do it to me.

Orochimaru sped up and smacked my cheeks harder, panting and grunting. He ejaculated once more, gushing all over my face in his rapture. "Now scream like a whore and come for me, Anko-chan!" he groaned, still in the thralls of gratification.

At last, it happened. "Orochimaru-sama! Orochimaru-sama!" I cried aloud as I finally came, not caring if my neighbours overheard. It was over-powering and all-consuming. My heart pounded so fast, it hurt. I was screaming and shaking as I quaked over and over. Intense aftershocks of pleasure rippled through my limbs. I had to stop after a few minutes of the aftershocks, as I was having trouble catching my breath.

When it was over, I found myself crying and shaking. I took hold of my pillow. Pretending it was his chest, I buried my face in it. I imagined he had his arms around me. Though I was still his possession, he was comforting me. It doesn't seem so odd to me for a master to sometimes be caring toward his slave, even if he is evil, if he wishes.

Yet it doesn't matter if he does or not, as long as I can belong to him. That's what I want, to be his property. As bad as people might think it sounds, I want to be an object for him to use as he sees fit. I couldn't touch anyone else, unless he wanted me to, for his enjoyment.

It took me so long to admit that to myself, because I am my own person and I value my free will. But it has dawned on me that this _is_ my will, to belong to my master and to serve him. The fact that I feel I cannot follow my will is crushing. What is life without one's own true will? It is living death. No person can truly be happy going through life as a slave to the circumstances they find themselves in. In giving myself as a slave to someone because I desire it, I would actually be free. I could be happy as Orochimaru's slave.

I wish he knew that. I wish I could tell him. I would do anything to have him here with me now. If he would kiss me and wipe the tears from my eyes, it would give meaning to my existence. What am I saying? He wouldn't want to do that. He can't love me, no matter how much I beg him to. If he did love me, wouldn't he be here with me?

 

Sensei, I love you, but you are somewhere far away from me. All I want right now is for you to hold me. That can't be. You wouldn't allow it. I must remain alone and unwanted by the one person who matters to me.


	3. Things That are Distant, Though Near

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A non-lemon flashback to the beginning of Anko's time as Orochimaru's apprentice. It basically picks up from the end of my drabble fic, "Show Her Something Eternal."

When I was a kid, all I wanted was to be this grown-up woman, which was what I felt like inside. Now that I'm an adult, I feel stuck as that little genin I used to be. Somewhere along the way, I regressed back to my childhood. Was it due to trauma or am I simply a selfish brat?

Orochimaru and I had both been the same age when we lost our parents. The circumstances were quite similar as well. My parents were also killed on a mission in another land.

The night I met him, he carried me home from the cemetery. I was clinging to his neck and shoulders. Orochimaru put me down once we were inside his flat.

"So, tell me your name, my dear. I believe you already know mine." He knelt down and took off my shoes, setting them next to his.

I nodded. "Mitarashi Anko is my name. Like the food."

He stood back up and looked down at me. "Do you like that food?"

I grinned, nodding once more. "Yes."

"No surprise, there." He smirked at me.

"What do you mean?" I was confused. It seemed to me like he was making some joke that I didn't understand.

"You're such a sweet child. Sweet like sweets. My sweet girl." He ran his fingers through my hair for a moment.

I blushed intensely. Making me blush is a great talent of his that I've never been able to fight. There's something in his voice and in his touch that makes my cheeks go red like apples.

"You've gotten yourself rather dirty. I'll draw you a bath." He then went into the lavatory and proceeded to fill the tub.

"What about my clothes? I got a lot of dirt on them," I said as I followed him in.

"I'll get you one of my shirts. You can wear it for tonight and I'll get you your clothes tomorrow." He laid out some fresh towels and a wooden hairbrush. I immediately recognised it as his own, with all the black hair stuck in the bristles.

Orochimaru stepped out and returned soon after with a folded up shirt. "Here you are. And just in time as I see your bath is ready." He turned off the water. "Do you need me to wash you?"

I pulled the rubber band out of my hair. "No, I can wash myself. I'm just not allowed to turn on the hot water faucet yet."

"All right, but if you should need something, just holler for me." He exited, shutting the door behind him.

After I took off my clothes, I got in. It was pleasantly hot with a great deal of steam rising from the water. Yet I didn't want to spend more time in there than I had to. I was exhausted from crying all day. I went about washing up and shampooing my hair. All I wanted was to get it done with and go to bed.

When I got out, I wrapped my hair up in a towel and started drying myself with another one. My knickers were reasonably clean, so I put them back on underneath Orochimaru's shirt.

The shirt was black with a v-neck and was practically a dress on me. The short sleeves almost reached my wrists. It was fine for a nightgown, however. I took the towel off my head and ran the brush through my damp hair.

When I left the bathroom, I noticed the door of the next room was wide open, with a light on inside. I tiptoed in, hoping I wasn't being rude by intruding.

Orochimaru was already wearing his night-clothes. He had a spare pillow and blanket tucked under one arm. "You can have the bed. I'll sleep on the couch," he said.

My stomach knotted up at the proposal. "I don't want to be alone right now. Just for tonight, could you stay with me?" I was still really sad, but I felt safe with him. I couldn't bear the thought of him going away, even if only to the front room.

He smiled at me and set down the extra bedding. "Very well. I see no harm in it."

I crawled into the bed. After he turned off the lights, he got in with me. As I wanted to feel his warmth, I scooted a little closer to him. Part of me expected him to move away, but instead he draped his arm over me and held me fast.

It was so nice, I didn't want to go to sleep anymore. Instead, I wanted nothing more than to lie there forever, being cuddled by Orochimaru. My drowsiness could not be denied, though. I was conked out within a few minutes.

The next morning, I awoke to the scent of breakfast. I hurried out of bed to find Orochimaru cooking miso soup and rice in his kitchen.

He smiled as he noticed me join him. "When you're ready, we'll go see the Hokage. He's been on me about refusing to teach students. He should be pleased that I've chosen to take you under my wing."

"You know the Hokage?" I asked him. It seems stupid now, but I was really thrown for a loop at the time.

He let out the subtlest laugh when I said that. "Who do you think my sensei was? And of course, I was always his favourite student." I don't know what he liked more, bragging about himself or the way I never failed to be impressed by said bragging.

Orochimaru portioned out the servings into bowls. He then carried it all out to the dining area so we could have a proper meal. There was plenty for both of us, which was good, because I was starving.

There was a tea kettle already on the table. He poured some for me, then himself. "Once I've arranged everything, I'll send someone to pick up your belongings and we'll find ourselves a bigger flat. You should have your own room. I know girls need their privacy."

"So I'm really going to stay with you from now on?" I took a sip of my green tea.

"I can't very-well have my disciple off in some orphanage when I could be training her. What kind of master would that make me? No, we need all the time we can get till we learn everything there is to learn. Be forewarned, I won't go easy on you. I'm going to make you work harder than anyone else, but I will take good care of you, all the same." He stroked my hair.

"Thank you," I whispered. "You saved me, so I owe you everything." It was a struggle not to cry, but I felt the urge to show him I wasn't weak.

We were both quiet as we ate. Orochimaru is actually a pretty decent cook. I don't recall much about my mother's cooking, only that I liked Orochimaru's better. That might sound bad, but my mother was more focused on her nindo than her homemaking skills. She's the one I inherited my spunk from.

There was a knock on the door. Orochimaru went to answer it as I remained at the table, having another bowl of soup.

Whoever it was, they didn't stay long. Orochimaru returned a minute later with a box in his hands. "Some clothes for you, my dear. I had someone collect a few of your things to wear today. They'll get the rest later."

After breakfast, I took the box into the bathroom. There was a blouse, shorts, clean underwear, and even another pair of shoes. I could've still worn the ones I had on the day before, but these were less dusty. I did want to look nice when we went to see the Hokage, not to mention for Orochimaru. He would be seeing me clean and properly attired for the first time. I didn't want him to think I was just a ragamuffin.

Once I was ready, we walked to the Hokage's mansion together. It wasn't that far from the flat, but navigating the mansion was a different story. The corridor was long and winding. By the time we got to the Hokage's office, my feet hurt.

Orochimaru knocked on the door. A voice inside told him to come in. "Stay here for a few minutes. I'll talk to him privately, first," he said before turning the knob.

I took a seat on one of the benches there in the corridor. It seemed like years went by as I waited nervously. My bottom lip became chapped from my biting down on it so much.

Finally, the door opened and Orochimaru emerged. "You can come in now. He wishes to meet you."

I followed him as he went back into the room. We stood in place before the Hokage's desk. It turned out to be less fancy than I anticipated. At that age, I expected someone of his rank to be sitting on a jewel-encrusted throne, not ordinary office furniture.

"So you're the Mitarashi girl? I'm sorry to hear of your parents' passing. They were both fine ninja." The Third Hokage remained seated, squinting at me. "You don't think she's too young, Orochimaru-san? Perhaps you should let her be a child a little longer."

"I'm not that young! I'm five and a half!" I shouted. Half-years were of vital importance to me when I was a kid. Counting them made me feel more mature.

"Ay, a precocious one! Now I understand a bit better," the Hokage chuckled. A little pipe smoke shot out of his mouth and nose.

Orochimaru turned his head to smile at me. "That she is. Last night, she took a bath all by herself. She didn't need any help washing." He turned back to the old man, straightening his mouth into a more serious expression. "But the real reason I chose her is that I think she's the right one for me. As it happens, her age is a bonus. It will allow me more time to harness her full potential."

The Third Hokage took a drawn-out puff from his pipe. "In that case, I will have the proper paperwork expedited. You may go."

All these big words they were using were beyond me, but I was pretty sure they were good. No one was yelling or frowning. I think I smiled, albeit cautiously.

"Thank you, Sarutobi-sensei." Orochimaru bowed and nudged me to do likewise before we left.

When we came out of the Hokage's office, I suddenly broke down crying. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I couldn't stop myself.

"What's wrong, my dear? Have you changed your mind about becoming my apprentice?" That was the first and possibly the only time Orochimaru sounded genuinely worried. The rest of the time he was so sure of himself and in control of things.

"No, I do want to be your apprentice still. I just... I..." My head was spinning. "I just started thinking that this isn't a dream. It's real. My parents are gone, but now I'm with you."

"So it's hit you that your whole life has completely changed?" He bent down to wipe my tears. "I imagine that's quite a shock. It's only natural to cry when you have such feelings in you. Part of you is sad, but another part is excited and even happy about the new phase of your life. The confusion will pass in time and you'll feel calmer then."

Hearing him explain this somehow made me feel better. It made sense, even if it was a little advanced for me. I stopped crying and my mind wandered to something else.

"How old are you?" I asked on the way back to his flat.

"Me? Oh, I'm much, much older than you," he said.

"But how old? What age are you?" After the Hokage had made such a big deal about my age, I was curious to know Orochimaru's.

"If you must know, I'm thirty-one. Or thirty-one and a half, by your standards."

"Wow, that's really old!" I was surprised. He didn't look older than my parents.

He frowned and sighed. "Which is precisely why I didn't want to tell you my age. Just wait till you're thirty-one. You won't know where the time went."

"Oh... I'm sorry, Orochimaru-san." I felt like such an idiot, hurting his feelings like that.

"No, no. You must call me 'Sensei' now," he replied, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry, Orochimaru-sensei. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. Or forget to call you my sensei. I won't do it again."

He smiled weakly and took my hand. "You're forgiven, my dear. Now let's go find our new home."

That was about twenty years ago. It's been such a long time, yet it still feels so close. Some days, I wake up thinking I'm still his little girl. That all I have to do is go to the next room and he'll be there. I do want to be a woman. I want to be _his_ woman. Since I can't, I'm instead reverting to being that young girl again. I think that's why I'm so immature.

 

Sensei, I'm staring at the photograph of us. It makes me cry every time. You brushed the tangles out of my hair that day so I would look nice for the camera, but I only agreed when you let me brush your hair. It felt so soft against my fingers.


	4. Things That Cannot be Compared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to lemon. Anko recalls a very passionate night with her sensei.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my headcanon, Orochimaru and Anko were lovers only during their last year together, so she's fourteen in this. They certainly had feelings and desires for each other before that, but these weren't acted upon until he decided the time was right.

Is Orochimaru capable of love? I know there are things he loves -- knowledge, power, cunnilingus, gloating, and spooning. Yes, as strange as it is to say that, Orochimaru always liked to cuddle after sex. Even when he had to get back to his lab, he would take a few minutes to spoon me and put his arms around me. I definitely wouldn't consider it silly or weak on his part. It's just something he likes to do. Not as much as cunnilingus, though. He'd seize any opportunity to slide his tongue into my knickers.

I always wondered what expression he was making while holding my back to his chest. Maybe that's why he likes spooning, because he feels less vulnerable if his lover can't see his face? Still, I think some of it is the sense of possessing someone when holding them that way.

The times I asked him if he loved me, he would answer in the affirmative, just not with the exact words. Saying it is, I suspect, one of the few things he is afraid of. He does feel fear, regardless of what others might think. He simply hides it well. He fears weakness and failure to an immense degree. Whenever he acts like a spoiled child, that is when he is most frightened and struggling to contain it. Orochimaru is not scared of dying, though. He is merely scared of dying before he realises his ambition of knowing every jutsu.

In my reveries, he doesn't say he loves me, either. My conscience won't allow me to make him something he is not or put words in his mouth that he is incapable of saying. Orochimaru can say the word, 'love,' but not phrases like, 'I love you,' or 'I loved so-and-so.’

*****

Love-making is best after a difficult time. When you've been upset, whether sad or angry or both, it makes sex all the more sweet and phrenetic. All the frustration dissolves into wild abandon.

That was the way it happened one night toward the end of our time together. Orochimaru had gone away on some S-Rank mission, or at least he said he did. I wanted to go with him more than anything. We hadn't spent an entire night apart since the start of our affair. Before that, he would go off a lot, but by then he would check in with me nightly, at the very least.

I was so worried about it. My gut was telling me something bad would happen, that he might not come back. It terrified me and I told him so. Still, Orochimaru was insistent that I stay behind. My begging and sobbing would not dissuade him.

It was only supposed to be five days at the most. I was on edge the whole time. No messages came. By the fifth day, I was sick to death with dread. I spent most of the time staring at the door, hoping he'd open it at any second. Each night, I slept on the couch, just in case he came back before sunrise.

Twelve days had passed before Orochimaru walked through that door again. It was about ten at night. I had been lying on the couch, quite restless and shivering. I leapt to my feet when I saw him. Half of me felt like screaming at him for leaving me alone so long. The other half felt like breaking down and crying. My throat constricted from the confusion, chuffing off my air and speech.

I took a step forward, having lost it. I was going to hit him. At no other time, even when he was doing truly evil things, did I want to hit him as much as I did then. My hands weren't co-operating, which was perhaps lucky for me. Instead, I focused my energy on trying to call him a heartless bastard for making me worry like that.

Before any sound could pass through the narrowed channel of my esophagus and out of my lips, he rushed to put his fingers to my mouth and silence me. He said nothing, rather he yanked me closer and started kissing me furiously.

Instantly, I kissed back with equal desperation. All the anguish was gone. In its stead was ravenous hunger. We needed it so much, we started pulling off each others' clothes while still kissing. Only the removal of our shirts and the periodic gasps for air broke the kisses.

He hitched my legs up around his waist once I was down to my underwear and carried me to the bedroom. We continued much the same till we were naked, at which point we tumbled onto the bed. Still, we did not speak. We didn't need to.

Our kisses heightened, or rather descended, into necking, licking, and biting. My teeth merely nibbled his skin, though Orochimaru dug his into me. It turned me on all the more. I clawed at his back and he sunk his nails into my hips.

His hands travelled down me, followed by his tongue. He ran his fingers through my pubic hair, teasingly. Before I knew it, he was spreading my labia apart and working my clit over with his tongue.

I moaned immediately, my back arching up off the bed. Once I had relaxed, he pulled my hips with him as he sat up, so that I was in a shoulder-stand. With my thighs around his neck, he took my clit between his teeth. Orochimaru bit down with moderate force as he rapidly flicked his tongue across my aching flesh. I was quivering at the sensation. His abilities were magnificent. I didn't want it to ever end.

It seemed as if I'd been coming for ages when he finally stopped. Without wasting a second, Orochimaru lowered my pelvis and slid his way inside me. He was holding onto the back of my thighs, forcing my knees into my chest. Each thrust of his hips forced the breath from my lungs.

After a few minutes, he flipped me over and pinned me to the headboard. I braced myself against the wall above it with my forearms as he took me from behind. Orochimaru held my wrists down and put his mouth on my neck. We remained speechless. There was only loud moaning and screaming from pleasure.

Orochimaru then turned me around and positioned me on top of him. He was still behind me. Leaning his back on the headboard, he moved my hips with his hands.

My fingers gripped the sheets with all their might. As I began to take over the movements, his hands crept up to my breasts. Within a few moments, we found ourselves both coming at the same time. I arched backward till my head was lying on his shoulder. His hot breath and sputtered groaning filled my ear.

"I won't leave you behind again," he whispered against my neck. Orochimaru eased himself down onto his pillow, dragging me with him. He rolled me onto my side so that I was nestled within his left arm, rather than lying on top of him. We rested like this, catching our breath and enjoying the afterglow.

It was so wonderful to be with him, in his bed, once more. I was smiling for the first time in weeks. With the tip of my index finger, I started to gently trace lines up and down his abdomen and circles around his navel.

"Are you trying to tickle me, Anko-chan?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

I giggled. "No, I just wanted to touch your stomach." Satisfied with having done so, I laid my head on his chest. His heartbeat sounded in my ear. "What are you thinking about?"

Orochimaru stroked my hair and purred. "I was thinking that I don't want you to ever be with any other man. I should be the first and the last."

The thought of being with another man hadn't so much as crossed my mind, but I wasn’t quite sure why he was so emphatic about it. "You've been with other girls, though, right?" I replied softly, lest he think I objected.

"Yes, but those were more for the learning experience. Trial and error have helped me to develop my sexual techniques. As such, I automatically have a great talent for getting you off. You see, I'm a genius at sex, as well as ninjustu." Orochimaru tilted my head up to look me in the eye. He then smirked. "Besides, making love and merely having sex are two different things. Most of what I've done with others was the latter."

I almost giggled again at that, but something started to trouble me. "Do I need experience to be good at it for you?"

"I'll teach you whatever you need to know. All you really have to do is surrender completely to me and take my cock." His hand slid along my throat as he stared intently into my eyes.

Biting my lip, I asked, "Does letting you be in control make me weak? I know you don't like weakness."

He shook his head slightly. "You have the ability to get my cock hard. That's power enough."

"There's something else I want to ask you." I hesitated, trying to gather up enough nerve to go on. "How come you never say you love me?"

His eyes darted to the side as he grimaced. "That's how I am. If my actions don't convince you of my feelings for you, what can words do? You'll have to take me as I am, Anko-chan. If you can't, maybe it's really you who doesn't love me."

"No, I love you! I love you! And I don't hold it against you. I'm grateful for whatever you give me of yourself. It was rude of me to ask. I was just curious. And for that, I'm sorry." I turned my face away, afraid to see disapproval in his eyes.

"Don't apologise, my dear." Orochimaru took hold of my chin and turned my head back to look at him. "You've pleased me with your actions and your words. We both accept each other as we are and that's what I want. Most women aren't so understanding. They want to change men, more so if the man is me. As if that's love, to think someone's not good enough. People can only change themselves, and most can't even manage that."

"Did you ever care for someone before me?" The question slipped out of my mouth before I could stop to consider it might be out of line.

"There was one person. But she betrayed me. She chose to be with someone else. Someone unworthy." He frowned, his gaze dropping from mine.

"What happened?" I had an inkling as to the identity of the woman in question.

"I don't want to talk about that. I've said too much already. It's made me weak." Orochimaru closed his eyes. "Give me my strength back. Make me feel powerful again." He let his head fall back on the pillow as he sighed heavily.

I acted solely on instinct and crawled down to the foot of the bed. I began to kiss his feet, lightly grazing his toes with my lips. Tears started to trickle down my face. My heart bled for him. The sense of sadness in his voice pained me so desperately. My sensei, my beloved master had been wronged. I had to make it better for him.

Continuing upwards, I planted a few soft kisses on his calves, his knees, and his thighs. Finally, I took him inside my mouth. Unlike every other time I've sucked him off, I felt that I was doing something to heal him, rather than simply please him. I was still passionate and eager about it, but it transcended the mere sex act. Something about it felt tender and almost spiritual.

Orochimaru relaxed and simply enjoyed it for a few minutes. Once he was really throbbing in my mouth, he seized my head. He was pulling my hair as his hips began to move. Subtle undulations grew into rough thrusts. "Close your eyes," he moaned.

I obeyed. A second later, I felt him remove his cock from my mouth in time for it to explode in my face. His semen mingled with my tears and made me feel beautiful. As I opened my eyes again, I saw his hands slide closer. He went about lightly rubbing his come over my skin as if he were painting a canvas with his fingers. He was still panting as he gazed at me.

I don't think I've ever been more turned on. I thought I might come just from that. My voice acted of its own accord, emerging from my lips as high, airy whimpering. "I love you!" I suddenly proclaimed. "I love you, my sensei... My master!"

He then rolled me over onto my back. His hand moved down and eased my thighs apart, where he found the wet folds of my flesh. The base of his thumb was stroking my clit as he worked two fingers inside of me.

It was maybe thirty seconds at the absolute most before I climaxed. I guess I was still so excited about his come all over me that it didn't take much to get me there. I felt like I could barely move after.

He must have felt the same way, as he lay there beside me for the longest time, just breathing.

It was possibly the most incredible night of my life. If I were going to write the perfect sex scene for some adults-only film, that would be it. We were so animalistic, yet somehow loving. If at no other time was he in love with me, he was that night. I am convinced of it. Our mutual desire was overpowering.

 

Sensei, could you truly love me? Sometimes I wish I'd never met you, so I wouldn't have to hurt like this. But then I think about how you're the only good thing that's been in my life. Without you, there'd be nothing here. Only death. And I know that given the choice, I'd never give up any of our times together. It's only this life without you I want to be rid of.


	5. Things That Give a Hot Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Orochimaru and Anko's last night together. He does a very different sort of experimenting with her body. She perhaps likes it more than she should.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, this has creeped people out more than the non-con from OWM. Sorry, but this is what I felt would happen. Yes, their relationship is seriously messed up, but at the same time, they are in love with each other to the point of obsession. She worships him like a god -- and a god could easily smite a mortal. He knows that he loves her desperately, and it frightens him. So he feels the need to break her like a wild horse. This sex scene may seem too distasteful for some of you, but keep in mind, he gave her the curse mark the next day. That was a far greater betrayal in her eyes. She wanted the sex. She didn't want to be a failed experiment. If either one of them had been honest and shown the other unconditional love, things would've been very different.

I remember the last night we spent together. It was a few days after he had allowed me inside his most guarded laboratory. 

That was when things started to fall apart. Seeing his "experiments" had shaken me to the core. I was afraid of him for the first time in my life. My insides dropped to around my feet and my blood ran cold. Not since my parents died had I felt that way.

My mood was so hopeless. I was kind of avoiding him after that. Not because I stopped loving him, but because I wasn't sure I even knew who he was anymore. Or myself, to be honest. Part of me wanted to believe it had only been some crazy nightmare. The other part of me was willing to ignore it, if it meant we could stay together always.

I was tossing and turning that last night. My brain wouldn't shut off. We were drifting apart so fast, I could feel it. It was terrifying. I just wanted to forget what I had seen and go back to how things used to be. I didn't want to let go of him, but a chasm was opening between us. It was all I could do not to cry.

Around midnight, Orochimaru entered my room, carrying a lit candle and something else I didn't get a good look at. These he placed on the desk by the head of my mattress. He then slinked into bed with me and took me in his arms. It felt like he was offering me his hand to save me from drowning. I wasn't ready to give up being with him yet, so I didn't move away. I just lay there, passively, and did my best to hold back my tears.

"You haven't come to my room in days. I miss touching you. Don't you love me anymore?" he whispered in a somewhat piteous tone as he began kissing my neck.

I couldn't tell if he was merely feigning loneliness, yet his closeness and seeming vulnerability were getting the better of me. Perhaps he was feeling the same way I had been. His breath and his hands were both caressing my body, drawing me back to his sway. I needed him still. I had to be with him, had to make love to him again. The emotional distance was torture. In that instant, I told myself I no longer cared what crimes he committed.

"Of course I still love you, Orochimaru-sama. It's just that... I-I've felt so sad lately. I don't know why." I didn't want to be too specific, lest it upset him that my loyalty had vacillated. "I guess maybe I'm homesick for the village or something..." My voice cracked as I was practically sobbing. I suddenly threw myself into his chest and clutched frantically at his yukata. 

Orochimaru planted numerous kisses on my throat and lips. His body heat was so soothing. "Let me take care of it for you. I can make my girl forget all about Konoha." Then he started seductively rubbing himself against my thigh. He always knew exactly how to get me worked up.

My inner turmoil faded further and further from my mind. In its absence, my desperate love and yearning for him took back control. Still, my body remained somewhat tense, regardless of my desires. I bit down on my lip. Whether it was in an attempt to repress an excited gasp or to rouse myself from my ambivalence, I'm not sure. In the end, my ardour won and I cried out. "I want to be close to you again, Orochimaru-sama! Oh, please stay with me! Please love me!"

"You say that as if I were going somewhere, when I've been the one waiting for you, longing for you. I've always let you come to me before. Now you've driven me to the point of skulking about at night to find you." His face took on a bit of a sullen pout. "Sometimes you can be quite cruel, Anko-chan." 

He stopped grinding his hips on my leg and instead kissed me with a great deal of force. His teeth scraped my mouth as he pulled back. "I need you now!" Orochimaru put my hand on him. "Can't you feel how hard you make my cock?" His voice sounded, dare I say it, desperate.

Gradually, I moved my fingers on him, till finally I was under his yukata. Once my palm was against the bare skin of his shaft, I gently stroked it up and down. It was wonderful to caress him again. The warmth spread over me, to my insides.

Orochimaru squeezed my hand more tightly around him. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back slightly. "Yes, just like that..." he moaned. "My sweet, beautiful Anko-chan, I want you. I want your body. I want your servility. I want your love for me." He kissed me again and this time I was equally passionate. 

Any lingering resistance had been completely vanquished. "Forgive me for being so cold, Orochimaru-sama. Let me make it up to you." My chest heaved. I started to scoot down the bed so I could take him inside my mouth, but he stopped me.

"No, I'm not interested in that right now. I want to be inside your cunt." He sat up, peeled off his yukata, and then reclined against the wall beside my bed. "Come here, Anko-chan," he panted, crooking a finger at me. His eyes bore into me as if he were trying to read my thoughts. "Come ride your sensei's cock. Let me feel you throbbing around me. Show me how much you love it!"

It was all such a turn-on that I was chewing on my lower lip as I watched him. My heavy eyes were locked on him, even as I wriggled out of my knickers. I crawled up on top of him and clutched his shaft again. This time it was to guide it inside of me as I eased myself down onto his lap. 

He yanked my babydoll nightgown up over my shoulders and threw it across the room. "That's what I've needed to feel, you letting me inside your body," he hissed. "Take me in deeper. I want to be completely inside of you."

I grabbed onto his shoulders pushed myself down further. There was pain, but also the sensation of my hips flush against his. It was probably a combination of a minor growth spurt and getting worn in by him during those months that allowed me to take his entire length in at last. "I think I finally did it! I think I finally have you all the way inside of me," I wailed.

"Mmm, indeed! I'm so proud of you, my dear." Orochimaru purred his delight, licking and biting my neck. "Don't stop now. I want to see how much you've learned. Move your cunt on me. Fuck my cock."

"Oh, Orochimaru-sama!" My eyes rolled back into their sockets. God, he drove me wild when he spoke to me like that. I started moving more and moaning, really getting into it. My arms fell to my sides. I grasped at the sheets, pushing up off the mattress to aid my movements.

His hands latched onto my hips and his nails drove themselves into my skin. Orochimaru smirked at me. "Yes, keep going, my dear. I want us both to come like this."

He let go and brought his hands back in front of me. His left hand went straight for my right breast, pinching and tugging on the nipple. The other roughly stroked my clit.

My cheeks were burning up. My eyelids grew even heavier, then fell shut. When I forced them back open, I saw him lean in to get his mouth around my left breast. My back arched out to meet him.

Orochimaru licked and bit my nipple, and then he grabbed me by the throat. He kissed me deeply, till we were both short of breath. "Do you know how lucky you are, getting to have my cock inside you? Not every kunoichi is fortunate enough to be fucked by her sensei. And it's especially rare for that sensei to have my expertise." He whispered against my lips, "Be a good girl and thank me for it." 

"Oh yes! Thank you, Sensei," I whimpered. Chills travelled up my spine, yet my skin felt hot.

"Again." He was gazing directly into my eyes.

"Thank you, Sensei!" 

"Say it again." 

Soon I found myself saying it over and over as I rode him harder. "Thank you, thank you, thank you..." At last, I was moaning too much from the intense pleasure that overtook me to form any words with my lips. I wrapped my arms around him to keep from collapsing.

Orochimaru must've been holding back, as he seemed to let himself go right then. His eyes squeezed shut. He hissed and groaned through gritted teeth. The noises he made in bed were thrilling.

Once his breathing settled down, he lifted me off of him. "You've done so well, getting me off like that. What an incredible fuck you are! And that sweet cunt of yours," Orochimaru sighed. His tongue emerged and smacked his lips. "I like knowing it belongs only to me." He smiled and motioned for me to turn around.

I laid down facing away from him. I knew Orochimaru wanted spooning time, as he generally did after sex. Less than a second later, I felt his face on the nape of my neck and his arms encircling me.

"All of me belongs only to you, Orochimaru-sama," I sighed blissfully as I rested my arm on top of his. "I love you more than anything in this world."  


"Never forget that," he whispered.

"I swear I won't." It was the truth, despite what I had seen earlier in the week. I mean, I now knew he was this monster and I was frightened of him. Though at the same time, he was still the alluring, gorgeous sensei I had loved for so long. I was willingly sharing a bed with him, even though he could potentially kill me, because it was worth it to me. My heart was feeding me this nonsense that love had fixed everything. God, I'm a fool! But the sex was fucking amazing! If he'd given me the curse mark in bed, I probably wouldn't have had the will to turn from him.

 

Some twenty minutes passed with us just cuddling. My fears managed to slip my mind. There was only the sense of security and love I felt in his embrace. 

I had nearly drifted off when he spoke up. "There's something I've always wanted, my dear."

I rubbed my face to dispel my drowsiness. "What is that?" I asked.

He purred in my ear. "To have your arse."

"Huh? What do you mean?" I blinked slowly a few times. A strange, tingling feeling went through me.

"You have such a delicious, little arse." Orochimaru teasingly licked my neck. His breath made my damp skin pricke. He gently sibilated, "Let me fuck it." 

"I guess so," I answered, wanting to please him. Still, I felt weary and confused. Doing that was never something I gave much thought to.

He moved his hand down to my thigh and caressed it. The arm he had beneath my neck squirmed about till he was able to fondle my bosom. His pelvis undulated against mine. It was obvious that he was hard once more. "Do this for me. I want to feel your arse around my cock." His soft, panting voice made me melt. "You'd like it, too. Wouldn't you, my sweet Anko-chan? Mmm, you'd _love_ that!"

I was hopeless to refuse. He'd pushed all my buttons and had me aching to give in. "Yes, Orochimaru-sama, please have me there!" My words came out in more of a moan than I had intended. I turned to face him in time to see him licking his lips again. Unconsciously, I opened my mouth and inched my tongue out for him. 

He obliged me with wet, bestial kisses, if one can call them kisses. They were more frantic tongue-touching to the point I was near exhaustion. Finally, he stopped and flipped me onto my stomach. Orochimaru adjusted the pillow so that it was lengthwise beneath my torso. The way I was bent over it allowed me to hold onto it tightly. 

"Don't worry. It doesn't hurt if it's done right." Orochimaru reached over to my desk and retrieved the mysterious item he had brought with him. Now I could see it was a familiar bottle of what he referred to as 'soap.' We had used it a few times before when he had me stroke him off. He applied it to himself until he was quite slick. "I'm going to put it in now." His soughing excited me, and so I knew I definitely wanted him to do it.

His hands spread me apart. "Relax your body," he whispered. Slowly, Orochimaru worked his way in till he was deep inside of me. 

At first, there was so much pressure that I didn't think it was going to go in. Once it did, and he proceeded to thrust, it eased up considerably. My mind was overcome by bizarre titillation. It was a little frightening. I was whimpering rather loudly and my eyes were welling up. 

"Mmm, fuck, it feels so good! You know just how to squeeze my cock in all your holes, don't you? You're such a tart, Anko-chan," he sighed loudly. "I shouldn't have waited so long to try this." Orochimaru lowered himself onto my back. "Do you like taking me in your arse?" he whispered very sweetly, nibbling on my ear.

It took me forever to reply to that. My senses were in such disarray. Eventually, I caterwauled, " _Yes_... Yes, I do! Oh, I can't believe how good it feels!" I arched up against him, wanting to feel it more. Mewling over and over, I was hardly able to catch my breath. "Am I supposed to like it this much?" I managed to ask.

"It's natural to enjoy it there. People are just afraid to admit it." His breath was rasping. "Would you like me to go harder, my dear?"

My head was spinning, but in a good way. All the blood seemed to pool in my face. I nodded eagerly and whimpered, "Mmmhmm, mmmhmm!"

He proceeded to ram me with his cock again and again. We were both wailing. Tears overflowed from my eyes and poured down my face. He clawed my hip with his left hand, reaching around to stroke my clit with his right. That added attention from his fingertips made me climax almost immediately. It was so strong.

"Coming so quickly? You must like it even more than I thought. In that case, I'll be merciless." Orochimaru straightened up off me and grabbed my hips with both hands again. His grip was hard enough to leave bruises. He pounded me with such strength that it did begin to hurt, as if I were being impaled. I cried out even more.

About a minute or so of violent thrusting was all he could take before he lost it. Orochimaru was groaning and swearing as if he were in pain. His pace was still fast, but nowhere near as harsh. And it went on and on, longer than any other orgasm I'd given him. "Ay fuck, I'm still coming!" he hissed. Another ten seconds went by before he finally collapsed on my back. He was sweaty and breathless. His hips continued to sporadically twitch as he recovered from it all.

 

After we had taken a quick shower, Orochimaru and I were both quite drained and yawning repeatedly. We got back into my bed, where we kissed for a bit.

"Did I hurt you, Anko-chan?" he asked, brushing his fingers against my cheek.

"It's a little sore," I replied, nuzzling his hand. "But I still loved it. Oh, I love you! I love you more than anything!" Wrapping my arms around him, I could no longer hold back the urge to weep. I hid my face in his chest. Three sharp sobs broke loose and were barely muffled by Orochimaru's flesh.

"Shh," he replied, lightly pecking me on the neck. He tilted my chin up to kiss my mouth. "Let's go to sleep now, my dear. I want to enjoy lying here with you in my arms." Orochimaru then spun me around to spoon me once more. 

I'm sure I dozed off before him, but of course I couldn't see his face from that position. It didn't really matter. Our problem felt a million miles away, allowing me enough calm to fall asleep.

 

The next morning, Amachi barged in, waking us up. I hurried to cover my breasts, which Orochimaru was clutching onto, with the blanket. It was so embarrassing; I nearly hid my face under the blanket as well.

Amachi gave me a nasty look, and then squinted at Orochimaru. "Do you have any idea how late it is? We need to get to work and you're wasting time getting sentimental!"  


Orochimaru tensed up at that last word. I could tell he was livid. "How did you know I was in here?"

"I could barely sleep last night with all that moaning and the bedframe banging and creaking. I am in the next room!" Amachi gestured to the wall, then folded his arms over his chest.

"Anko and I will make as much noise as we please. It's not my problem if you're jealous. Get your own lover. You're not allowed in Anko's room or to see her like this! As for me, I'll be out when I'm ready. Now go!" Orochimaru shouted those last words.

"But-" 

"Get out!" He screamed so close to my head, it made my ears ring.

Amachi grumbled, but left. I thought at the time that he really was jealous of our love-making. In hindsight, I realise Amachi saw me as nothing more than another experiment. Maybe if it weren't for that slime ball, Orochimaru wouldn't have done what he did to me soon after.

It was a few hours later that I was given the curse mark. That was the end of our time together and the dawn of ten years without the slightest hope of being near him again. Is there really any hope in me now? Against my better judgement, yes, there is. Ever since the chunin exams and our little "reunion," this foolish hope has taken over my life. It's my sustenance.

 

You know why I didn't go with you, Sensei? Because I'm a coward. I put my own fears above serving you. It was wrong and I hate myself for it. You kept giving me all these second chances and I was ungrateful. I should have just trusted you more. We could have gone on, but closer than before since I had survived. That's what you wanted, isn't it? You were testing me to be sure that I was worthy. I failed you by not seeing that. In my defense, I realised my mistake a second later. What a feeble excuse! You taught me how crucial every second is. How could I have forgotten such a basic rule? Maybe I am unworthy.


	6. Surprising and Distressing Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No lemon in this part, but there is a lot of angst and crying. Also, gratuitous Jiraiya being damn endearing. Stop being so loveable, Pervy Sage!

My memories of getting the mark are still quite vague. Tiny shards crop up here and there.

I recall him saying, "I must push you beyond your limits. It's for the best. Don't let me down, my dear." And then his neck stretched out like that of a rokurokubi and his fangs pierced my flesh. He left me in the darkness, in pain.

When he returned, it was colder than it had ever been. I felt his disappointment in me. I'd failed him for the first and last time. The affection I had seen in his eyes just the night before was gone.

He told me I lacked hatred and then something changed in me. I wanted to show him that I, too, felt hatred. So instead of taking his hand, I looked away. I didn't want to be in love with him. Defying him was what I thought I was supposed to do. There was so much anger and hurt. What else could I do?

After I had decided to look past his crimes, hoping he would love me enough to eventually stop, he had turned on me. To receive the curse mark felt like the ultimate betrayal, like I was nothing to him! The love that had meant the world to me since I was orphaned was all a lie. The father figure, the sensei, the lover - it had been an act. He didn't want me. He hated me.

But as soon as the door shut, I came to my senses. He must have been testing me! If I could get him to come back in the cell, I could tell him that I'd figured it out. I'd swear to him that I understood and that he did have my undying loyalty.

I cried out for him, "No, please don't go! Take me with you! Let me stay with you, Orochimaru-sama! I love you!" But it was too late. The door remained locked. The excruciating pain made my head spin fast. My vision blurred. Soon, I passed out again.

Why did he just let me go? Why didn't he come back? Why didn't he simply beat some sense into me? I was a stupid kid. I wasn't smart enough to choose right the first time. If he would have just given me another minute, I could've told him that I still loved him, no matter what he did. That I would give him whatever he needed so that he didn't have to rely on hatred. And if he still needed hatred, that I would help him by hating everyone other than him. Whatever he wanted, I would've done it all for him.

He left and my heart went with him. It remains in his iron grip.

Those things I saw haunted me, but being away from him is worse. That's a callous thing to say, and yet, it's the truth. Missing him hurts so terribly, that I'd overlook his crimes just to be near him again. I might actually kill for the chance to feel his lips on my body one more time. While I know no one else would or could understand, I still love him.

 

When I was released from the hospital, Jiraiya showed up to fetch me. I hadn't seen him in ages and didn't exactly have a high opinion of him, but he was being unusually nice to me.

"The ANBU tore up your old flat looking for clues," he said, walking beside me. "The Hokage arranged for you to move into a smaller place, where you'll be on your own. You're plenty old enough for that now. And I pulled some strings so you won't have to move any of your stuff. Got some chunin to volunteer for the job."

"ANBU are such creeps," I groaned. The idea of those masked goons ransacking our belongings made me feel violated. "So I guess I can't have any of my sensei's old things as keepsakes?"

Jiraiya patted my back. "There were a few pieces of furniture and linens I managed to save. Plus, I made sure your photographs were treated with respect."

"Thank you. I would really like to have those." I knew I'd be spending a great deal of time staring at those pictures. At least I wouldn't forget what Orochimaru looked like. That was a comforting thought.

He smiled down at me. "Anyway, I thought you could use a day out. So let's go have some lunch. I'm guessing you still like dango?"

I fidgeted apprehensively with my necklace, twiddling it about in my palm and running my fingertips along the pendent. "That would be nice." My voice was faint and lifeless, matching my emotional state.

"Under the circumstances, I'm happy to treat you." His large hand tousled my hair. Seeing what a shambles he'd made of it, Jiraiya made a sound of consternation. He did his best to straighten out my bangs with his fingers. It felt nice, though not nearly as pleasant as when Orochimaru touched my hair.

"Thank you, Jiraiya-sama." I still felt so awful, I could barely look him in the eye. We walked silently the rest of the way to the dango shoppe.

 

"Here you go!" He handed me my plate of dango, an uneasy smile on his face.

I looked down at my food and sighed. "You don't have to try to cheer me up, Jiraiya-sama."

He plopped down on the seat opposite mine, frowning. "There's more to this outing than that. You could even say I'm trying to cheer myself up. Orochimaru... He was my friend. At least I thought so. Now I don't know what to think." Jiraiya picked up a skewer from his own plate. "But I do know that you cared about him more than any of us," he said before inhaling the dumplings.

"You know?" Then it occurred to me that Jiraiya was well aware that there was some level of romance between Orochimaru and myself. He'd said as much that time we bumped into him at the festival. Unsurprisingly, he didn't raise any objections, given how questionable his own sexual proclivities were.

"Anko-chan, it's clear to me that he was your whole world. And it truly seemed like he cherished you. Out of everyone, you were the last one I ever thought he'd abandon. He looked at you like some priceless treasure that he wanted to keep safe. I've known him for a long time and I've never seen him openly adore another person like that. I'm sorry you have to go through this." His voice never sounded more caring and considerate than it did right then, so warm and light. It was almost hard to believe it was really Jiraiya speaking. At least not the loud, oafish Jiraiya I had been used to.

When I thought about it, Orochimaru did seem to have a look reserved solely for me. Maybe I'm wrong, but I believe he had a secret smile that conveyed the feelings we shared for each other. Around other people, he was cold and guarded, but he shared his tender side with me. If Jiraiya caught a glimpse of it, that had to have meant it was real, right?

In the end, it didn't matter. That intimacy wasn't enough to keep him with me. "He's never coming back, is he?" I asked before forcing down a bite. It was one of the few times in my life when my appetite was non-existent.

He sighed. "I don't want to believe it, but probably not."

There was a crushing sensation in my chest. My tears started to drip onto the table, forming rivulets along the grooves in the veneer. A sniffle broke through, leaving an audible clue to my otherwise silent weeping.

The register of Jiraiya's voice went softer, presumably to keep others from overhearing our conversation. "Look, I'm not ready to give up on him yet, but I can't make any promises. I'm usually the last person he listens to."

"I just wish I could take back whatever I did to make him leave me." Out of some silly hope to control my mourning, I made myself start eating. Something in me said I could suppress the crying if food was being crammed down my throat. As such, I stuffed myself hastily. There were hiccoughs that followed, but I drowned them in azuki soup. The sweet taste made me feel a little less empty inside.

"Hey, it's not your fault." Jiraiya's speaking voice resumed a more natural volume. "It couldn't possibly be your fault. He's on a dark path that none of us could keep him from. Not I, not the Hokage, not any of us. All you can do now is try to get on with your life. Focus on yourself for the time being, on your training. And maybe one day he'll remember there are people here who care about him and want him to come back. Maybe he'll miss us, too."

 

Jiraiya checked in on me several times over the following weeks. Occasionally, he would bring goodies for me, likely as an excuse to hang around and chat. Yes, I'm pretty critical of him, but during that crisis, I saw his sweet side. He can be quite caring when he wants to be.

The last time he visited me, I had been spending the day moping on the couch. I'd wrapped myself up in a blanket, because I was constantly very cold during that whole dark mess. My photographs of Orochimaru were arranged on the coffee table, so I could stare at them as I stewed in my grief. A box of tissues sat close by, for my intermittent eruptions of tears.

He knocked on the door and yelled to let me know it was him. "Hey, Anko-chan, it's Jiraiya!"

"It's open," I yelled back.

"You shouldn't leave your door unlocked like that," Jiraiya said as he let himself inside. He sharply affixed the deadbolt, as if to drive the point home.

I grumbled, not bothering to get up from my seat. "What for? Who's going to come in here and get me? Orochimaru? Fat chance..."

"Now I know you're still feeling pretty bad, so I thought I could tell you some funny stories about Orochimaru. That might cheer you up." He kicked off his geta and continued, "Like how he can't hold his liquor."

"He told me lots of times that he hates getting drunk. It makes him ill." I scowled, folding my arms across my chest.

Jiraiya came over and hopped up on the other end of the sofa, allowing me some breadth. "Yeah, but did he tell you how he sings that song about tanuki having giant balls?"

"What?!" It was so ludicrous, I could hardly imagine it.

He smirked for a second, then guffawed. "Yep, he'll sing it, then he'll start vomiting all over the place. He's a total lightweight when it comes to booze!"

I laughed a little, then instantly felt guilty. I wasn't ready to be angry at Orochimaru, so I fired back at Jiraiya. "Well, he told me some of your dirty secrets. Like how you used to drag him to brothels and the sorts of things that went on there!"

"Well, what can I say? I love the ladies and the ladies love the Toad Sage!" He grinned from ear to ear and the ruddiness of his face intensified.

I rolled my eyes at him and sneered. "Pfft, it hardly counts as love if you have to pay them!"

"It counts more than having your sensei take advantage of you!" he yelled. Nostrils flaring, Jiraiya glowered at me.

I shouted back, even though my teeth wanted to clench down and grind from rage. "Orochimaru didn't take advantage of me! You went too far... Just go! Leave me alone! You don't understand my feelings for him!" I leapt to my feet and pointed towards the door, carelessly letting my blanket fall to the ground.

His remorse appeared to set in quickly, as his voice lightened and his features drooped. "Gosh, I'm sorry! I'm really sorry, dear. I shouldn't have said that." Jiraiya got up and moved closer. He put one hand on my shoulder and gingerly scratched the back of his neck with the other. "Only you sort of hit a nerve, when I thought this was supposed to be about trashing Orochimaru."

I wanted to break his hand off, but my strength began to flee from me. Soon, the flash of anger gave way to sorrow once again. "I don't want to trash him," I wheezed. There was an awkward sensation in my face. It took me several seconds to discover it was my chin quivering. Losing the inclination to gnash, my teeth were overtaken by clattering.

He let his arms fall as he looked away from me. "I thought everyone liked to trash people after getting hurt by them. Orochimaru and I used to trash Tsunade all the time when she started acting too good for us," he sighed. "It was kind of a bonding experience with him."

I curled up in a ball on the couch. "Not me. I want Orochimaru to come back! And I'm not your 'dear.' Only he calls me that. I'll never love anyone except him, so don't think you can get fresh with me!"

"Uh, sorry, Anko-chan. I didn't mean it like that, I swear!" Jiraiya picked up my blanket and draped it across my back. Then he sat down next to me and patted my head. "Let's be friends again, all right? You know I miss him, same as you."

"You want him to be your ' _dear_?'" I scoffed, turning slightly to give him a sour look.

Jiraiya put a finger to his chin. "He is awfully pretty..."

"Sheesh, take a cold shower!" I hid my face with my hands. "'Horny Toad Sage' is what you should be called!"

"Okay, okay!" he laughed. "I was just trying to lighten the mood with a little good-natured teasing." He tone grew worried all of a sudden. "Hey, are you crying?"

It was true. Without even realising it, I had broken down, sobbing. "He is so pretty... And I'll never get to touch him or feel his arms around me again, because he hates me now!" Uncovering my face, I reached for a tissue to dab my already-raw cheeks.

"I'm sure he doesn't hate you, Anko-chan. Look, he's just confused. Orochimaru has always been in a lot of pain and he doesn't handle emotions well. He copes by hurting those of us who care for him most and shutting himself off from the world. Since he won't let us help him, we'll have to wait for him to work through this on his own." Jiraiya got another tissue for me, knowing instinctively that I would need more.

I took the proffered tissue, drying the newest tears from my eyes. "He put that mark on me. And I wasn't strong enough. He _must_ hate me. _I hate me_. How can I go on without him?"

"I'm sure he cares about you more than he even knows. And what's more, I care about you." He took my free hand in both of his and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Have faith that somehow, someday, he will come back. Because when he does, he'll need your love for him."

"Jiraiya-sama, please don't tell anyone how I feel about Orochimaru. Unless you find him. If you do, then please tell him how much I love him!" I cried more, though my eyes were becoming painfully dry. "Life doesn't mean anything without him. It's just emptiness. I was lost and suffering when my parents died, till he found me. He promised to be with me forever! Now I hurt even worse. It's not enough to live for myself when I can't stand myself."

"The two of you are a lot alike," he sighed, frowning.

Finally out of tears, I looked up at him. "How?"

Jiraiya continued to hold my hand as he spoke. His tone was even graver than before. It was the saddest I have seen him get out all the times I've been around him. "He didn't say those things, but he often had that look in his eye. That look of pain and resentment."

"I wouldn't look this way if I had him back. I don't know exactly what I did, but it feels like somehow I failed him." I tossed my damp tissue in the nearby waste bin, then I grabbed Orochimaru's portrait and held it close to my chest. Jiraiya let go of my other hand, possibly to let me hug the portrait more tightly.

He slung one arm around me. "I know you don't want to be mad at him, but you'll have to allow me to be a little angry. He's cruel to turn his back on you. He wanted to save you from what he went through, only to put you through worse. And you would still forgive him? Love like that is rare. He's a fool to give it up. Orochimaru needs to open his eyes and see it."

"I guess so," I mumbled as I put the picture back on the table.

"That reminds me. There's something special I wanted to personally make sure you got." Jiraiya reached into his haori and took out a picture frame, which he then handed me. "Orochimaru left this behind. It's his old photo of our team. You should hold onto it. This way, you can remember me, too. That is, unless you change your mind and decide you do want me to get fresh!" He laughed and playfully nudged my chin with his knuckle.

"You pervert!" I chuckled a little at that and wiped my eyes again. "Thank you, Jiraiya-sama. This is so sweet." Seeing Orochimaru so young, along with the other Sannin and the Third Hokage made me smile. I'd caught a glance of it before, but now that the photo was entrusted to me, it took on a much more special meaning. They were all adorable in it, with Orochimaru looking especially cute. It made me feel warm inside for the first time since that horrible day.

"So we're friends?" he asked with hopeful eyes and outstretched arms.

"Yes, we're friends." I set the picture down with the rest of my photos and hugged Jiraiya tightly. It was really nice, as it felt like a genuine hug. Not like some of the stiff, detached hugs a few people had given me since I came back to Konoha.

He pulled away after a minute, but left his hands on my shoulders. "Now remember what I told you about focusing on your training."

I nodded and smiled at him. "I will. I've just needed some down time. That, and I'm still having bouts of pain from the mark. The medics told me to take it easy till it calms down. The attacks have become further spaced apart recently. I'm sure I'll be ready soon enough."

His sizable arms embraced me once more. "I'm glad to hear that."

 

Jiraiya was out of the village a lot following that. When he did return, he seemed to avoid me. I think it was because he was afraid of telling me he couldn't get Orochimaru to come back. It saddens me that we so seldom have the chance to speak. I would like to apologise for all the times I was such a bitch to him. Maybe he deserved a few of them, but I'm sure he's suffered enough. He's the only one who knows about my feelings (at least back then) and he's likely the only one who would have any sympathy.

 

After several weeks of being out of sorts from grief, I found the energy to follow Jiraiya's advice about training. It wasn't about regaining Konoha's trust or some kind of penance for my involvement with an S-class criminal. I threw myself into training to prove that I wasn't garbage to be thrown away. I wanted to show Orochimaru that he was wrong to let me go. If I could be the best of the best, maybe he'd reclaim me. Not that it worked. Yes, I've done well, but I'm still far from the best. It's no surprise he hasn't taken me back.

Throughout the remainder of my teens, I tried to convince myself I hated him. It became a daily mantra. I would tell myself the only feelings I had for him were loathing and revulsion. But then every time I got undressed to shower, I'd see the curse mark in the bathroom mirror. My defenses would crumble and I recognised them for the flimsy lies they were. The love and the longing would return in full force. No matter what I do, I remain nothing without him.

Then, after a few years, I accepted the fact that I can't hate him. Nor can I hate what he's done. There is only love for him within me and my love is only for him. So I retreated into a more comfortable fantasy life. In my private world, I had the beautiful memories we shared, as well as my dreams of what might still be. I was alone, but I'd known my great love. I was content the same way an aging widow is content that no one can replace her late husband.

But now, the more I think about it, the more I think he's right about the world. How are the rest of us any better than him? We kill countless people, but it's supposed be all right when it's for the sake of our village? I've lost track of how many kills I've amassed merely since I became a special jonin.

Orochimaru kills for his dream. His victims are sacrifices to bring about a perfect world. In the world of his vision, war will end forever and everyone who died will be resurrected. It'd be a real heaven and right here on earth, with Orochimaru as God. Even if that is a madman's dream, there is something noble and beautiful about it. Yes, I am the mad girl who fell in love with her god and wants to see his perfect world. I can't condemn him when I don't think his ultimate goal is evil.

Each time I get some wild notion of fleeing Konoha and seeking out Orochimaru, I lose my nerve. I'm still here, obeying the Hokage and doing what's expected of me. I'm a hypocrite and a coward. Is it any surprise he doesn't want me?

 

Something funny did happen to me yesterday. I was sitting under a tree during my break, going over some paperwork for the upcoming chunin exams, when someone came up to me.

A loud, overly peppy voice drawled, "Hi there, Anko-san! Life treatin' you good?"

I looked up, despite not really needing to. I could recognise that voice anywhere. "Hello, Gai-san. Can I help you with something?" I replied, standing up to address him.

"No, no... I just saw you there and thought we could have a little chat." He started doing stretches as he spoke. "So how are you these days, Anko-san?"

"I'm all right, I guess." I shrugged my shoulders. Gai doesn't speak to me that often, but he's not like Kakashi. Instead of reading smut or trying to act 'cool,' Gai is usually working or training. For that, he does have my respect, even if he loses points for sheer dorkiness.

With a snap, he dropped to the ground to do some one-handed push-ups. Without missing a beat, he continued talking. "Fantastic to hear! I've been great, myself. This new extended workout regimen of mine is amazing. I can really feel the burn!" He did a quick flip and landed on his feet for some kicks and jabs at an imaginary opponent.

My jaw fell to the ground. "Extended?! Don't you already train in your sleep?"

"Yes, but I was still wasting valuable time not training during meals and showers. This programme I'm on now teaches you how to exercise and jog in place without spilling food or dropping the soap!" He demonstrated it there. It was - well I don't think I could properly explain the movements he was doing. Maybe like some folk dance from a far-off country, that requires immensely strong leg muscles and great control of the upper body? One thing is for sure; I wouldn't be able to do it!

"Sounds like a useful skill to have," I giggled. "Especially in a public shower, unless you're into that sort of thing!" I bit my tongue when I realised what a lewd joke I had made. God, the things I blurt out! Seriously, I have no social graces.

Fortunately, my idiotic babbling didn't seem to dawn on him in the slightest. He simply went on. "Well, enough of this idle banter. There's something more important I wanted to talk to you about." Gai finally stopped exercising and turned to face me. "I heard Kakashi asked you out."

"Who told you that?" I screeched. Damn gossips in this village!

"Now, now, I can't reveal my sources. But seeing as you turned him down," he paused to give me the thumbs-up and a flash of his gleaming smile, "How about going out with me, instead?"

I screamed at myself internally, _don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh_! But despite my efforts to hold it in, part of it slipped through one nostril in a snort. I hurriedly pulled out a tissue and turned away from him to wipe my nose, so that he would think it was just a sneeze I'd been suppressing. When I finally settled myself down, it occurred to me what was really going on.

"Gai-san, I don't think you really want to date me. This is just another one of your crazy competitions with Kakashi, isn't it?" I gave him a subtle, knowing smile.

He froze in place for a moment, then shook it off. "All right, you caught me!" He chuckled a bit. "But it's still important that I beat him. I must prove that I'm stronger."

"I get where you're coming from, but the thing is, I don't want to date anyone. I'd much rather be alone." I gave a polite smile. "Though if you and Kakashi were the last men left on Earth, I'd prefer to start a family with you, no question. And you can tell that to Kakashi!" My smile expanded to a full-on sly grin.

"Will do!" Gai exclaimed, his chest suddenly puffing up. It could have been pride, but it also could have been a deep breath since he flipped again, this time into a handstand. He went off on his way, walking on his palms. "So long, Anko-san!" he said, shortly before disappearing over the horizon.

I do wish I could be there to see Kakashi's reaction when Gai tells him what I said. That'll show the creep!

 

I just had the sweetest dream imaginable. It was the kind of dream that makes me want to sleep forever, as it clarifies how ugly the real world actually is.

It was dusk. I was eating dango on a bench in a lovely garden. Though I didn't see him at first, I could sense he was there beside me.

"You've got some syrup on your chin. Here, let me get it for you." He moved a little closer, while his tongue crept out to lick the sticky smudge off of my skin.

The scene changed to my bed. His lips were against my ear. He breathed, " _I love you, Anko-chan_."

"Oh, Sensei," I cried. "I love you, too!" We were making love. My fingers were lost in the black tendrils of his hair as we kissed. "I never want to be apart from you."

Orochimaru looked deeply into my eyes. "You won't be. I'm right here. I won't go anywhere without you."

Why couldn't it have been real? Stupid dream. My sub-conscious is a rotten tease!

 

Sensei, why do you hurt me like this? I felt I had no right to demand things of you, and accordingly, I am left with nothing. Loneliness and memories are not satisfying! How am I supposed to go on pretending each day that everything is fine?! I am sick of being without you. Our closeness was the one bright spot of my life. It was the one thing that made me whole. I exist here in an icy hell; the dreadful distance from the one I would call my god. Yes, being far from your warmth is hell. Your arms are not nearby for me to take refuge in, nor your long hair and clavicles to hide my eyes from the grotesque reality I'm trapped in. I am lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The stuff with Gai and the dream are possibly out of place, but I really wanted some lighthearted respites to take the edge off all the depressing stuff. (This was a major downer to write!) I can't take all the credit for the finished product, as my girlfriend helped me out with Gai's scene. I mean, I did write it, but she polished it up to give it that trademark Gai sparkle. 
> 
> The bit about what Orochimaru is like whilst drinking was largely inspired by Blackadder II. "One drop of the ale and you fall flat on your face and start singing that song about the goblin." It just fits so well, I think! I love my Blackadder. There's something about a wicked, black-haired, pale guy with a snake motif that I find very sexy.


End file.
